Debating gay marriage

Following last year’s elections, debates about same-sex marriage continue in a number of states that have legislation pending. The possibility of gay marriage has the potential to strengthen, rather than weakening, the social fabric. Marriage involves both rights and responsibilities and it may be that the demands by the gay community for the right to marry will lead to a new consideration of the responsibilities involved for couples of all kinds.

We are endlessly exposed to statistics based on head counts, as if every individual lived and made choices in isolation. But if individuals are metaphorically the atoms of society, they are organized into molecules of varying size and stability, and it is the molecular structure that determines the properties of the society at large. It is not informative simply to define water as consisting of atoms of hydrogen and oxygen: water, whose properties make life possible, consists of the elements combined in molecules. We call the different groupings of persons that constitute society by different names: political parties, clubs, corporations, religious denominations, ethnic associations, civil society . . . and, of course, nuclear families and extended kinship groups. The bonds that connect individuals in each vary but it is the multiplicity of these connections that gives society its resilience. Without them, individuals, especially women and children, are often defined as vulnerable, and men as potentially disruptive. During the colonial era, many communities required that unattached individuals become members of households, often working for room and board.

Human beings are social animals. For all the romance about bachelorhood, men in particular seem to be healthier and happier when married. The relationship we call marriage has as one of its functions the raising of children, which many same-sex couples are already doing, but its greater and more enduring function is that of providing mutual care and happiness. In our society, marriage is the primary institution through which adults take responsibility for each other’s wellbeing. It therefore performs functions that would otherwise fall on the wider community, including supportive care during many kinds of illness and in old age, and shared resources when one partner is unemployed. It also creates a context of reliable sexual access that avoids many of the problems of uncommitted and potentially predatory sexuality.

It will be asked whether same-sex marriages will really perform these functions, and the answer is that, like heterosexual marriages, they will perform these functions, but will do so imperfectly. Women, including lesbians, seem to tend toward sustained relationships and domesticity; men, gay or straight, are comparatively more interested in short term relationships and experimentation. Marriage may soften these differences but will not eliminate them, any more than denying access to marriage leads to continence. The individualistic emphasis in American society means that couples, of whatever kind, are not generally supported by friends and relatives with a continuing investment in their stability, helping them to get beyond problems and conflicts. It will take at least a generation of increased tolerance to assess the stability of partnerships between gay men who have not gone through long periods of self-rejection. But one thing we do know, partly as a result of the epidemic of HIV/AIDS, is that many gay men have cared lovingly for partners in sickness as in health.

The debate about gay marriage has been distorted by the way it is framed. First, let’s stop focusing only on rights and focus on responsibility, encouraging the willingness of same-sex couples to take on long term responsibilities for each other’s well being. Second, let’s assume the on-going presence and social acceptance of gays and lesbians living in consensual relationships without harassment, and notice that there are many reasons to think that legitimizing and stabilizing these relationships will benefit society. Third, let’s respect the right of faith communities to affirm their own customs without constraining others. Most important, let’s all use the vocal desire of same-sex couples to celebrate and prolong their commitments to reexamine the values of marriage for couples of all kinds. Weddings are temporary gatherings, fun for a day; marriage offers long term infrastructure to the whole society.