Seeking Respect II

All societies use respect and inclusion to reward socially valued behaviors, and embarrassment and shame to discourage unwanted ones. In small rural or tribal communities it is often possible to do virtually without sanctions or coercion other than mockery and the threat of ostracism — but it is important to remember that shaming and exclusion can be brutal. In colonial America, the public stocks (or the scarlet letter) were designed with just this in mind, and even today when someone is condemned in the press we speak of them as pilloried.

Doug Carmichael commented: “I find myself mulling over how to create “clubs”, say in the US, clubs that are the norm for inclusion, and require civility. Does Edwardian snobbery lie in the making of distinctions based on manners? I’d rather try and find out than not.” There are of course many different “clubs” in the US, but all too many of them require that the individual who wants to be included hold attitudes or behave in ways that are negative for the larger society. Yet the challenge we face is to sustain common values across large, diverse populations.

Beyond the intimate, small community, the informal effects of disapproval are weakened and even rejected. This is partly because of the anonymity of urban life, which has increased steadily. Private behavior — invisible behavior — is not effectively controlled by the fear of being ashamed before others, but by conscience. In fact, when good behavior is motivated by a desire for the good opinions of others, so that the emphasis is on what is publicly visible rather than on internalized standards, we often look down on it as hypocrisy — but some hypocrisy is essential to civilization. What happens when a group of refugees are suddenly brought into an unfamiliar society? Their neighbors help them or persuade them to conform or at least to look as if they were conforming. One thinks of the Hmong arriving in the American Midwest, the Yemenite and Ethiopian Jews arriving in Israel. For all the criticism of political correctness, for instance, it’s a step forward when people begin to feel embarrassed to reveal their residual bigotry.

The desire for acceptance and respect always plays a role in shaping behavior, but can as easily influence toward crime as toward civility, depending on the group to which one wishes to belong and the transparency of a given life style. There are plenty of examples of misbehavior motivated by the search for respect — in criminal organizations like the Mafia, for instance, or teenagers who may prove themselves to their peers by shoplifting or sampling illegal drugs. Social pressure cuts both ways. It simultaneously encourages householders to recycle and to acquire SUVs, to diet to the point of anorexia and to binge on junk foods. It is mobilized purposefully in families and schools and churches, but it powers advertising and the consumer economy. The media lionize criminals and yet select role models to promote minutes later.

There are many reasons to be suspicious of policies that label particular behaviors as shameful, and to prefer greater privacy and greater tolerance. Nevertheless, there is certainly room for purposeful social policy here. Trying to look good works for teen-agers working to get into a desirable college, and may evolve into useful habits, and corporations struggle to look “green” in ways that sometimes make a valuable difference. In the long run, a better standard of behavior is probably promoted by the desire for respect and inclusion than by legislation.